I spent most of this weekend reconciling the idea that I
will soon graduate ASU. I was actually due to graduate this spring but am
taking on an accelerated MPA with the School of Public Affairs that will keep me at ASU until next spring. As I reflect on the past four years and my
experiences as a student both here at ASU and at NYU, I cannot fathom how far I’ve
come. To be the first in my family including extended family to pursue and
graduate with a post-secondary education is unbelievably emotional for me. The fact that I've also been able to get this far without adding any financial burden to my family is nothing short of a blessing. I
feel proud, excited and invincible. But all at the same time I can't help but to also feel lost,
isolated, and detached.
I can’t help but to feel guilt. Day in and day out, as I gain the most precious thing I own, my education, I feel that in the process I also lost the connection with my family and old friends. I no longer see the world the same way and it is a beautiful thing. My horizons have exploded in a million and one directions, my world view has incorporated appreciation and curiosity towards everything and everyone around me. But at the same time, I find myself lost for words attempting to explain my experience to my mother, my father, my sisters and my extended family.
I can’t help but to feel guilt. Day in and day out, as I gain the most precious thing I own, my education, I feel that in the process I also lost the connection with my family and old friends. I no longer see the world the same way and it is a beautiful thing. My horizons have exploded in a million and one directions, my world view has incorporated appreciation and curiosity towards everything and everyone around me. But at the same time, I find myself lost for words attempting to explain my experience to my mother, my father, my sisters and my extended family.
I began this journey knowing half of two languages and will be graduating proficient in three. I began this journey able to count in one
hand the books that I had read thouhgout my life, now I graduate with a personal
library of over 100. I began this journey thinking I was alone, now I graduate cognizant
of the intricacies and complexities that connect us all to one another. I
entered this knowing happiness and love, I now graduate with a deep sense of melancholia.
I don’t regret my experiences but I fear that my disconnection with my loved
ones has created a void without repair.
I write this entry as a first generation college student:
proud, infallible, and resilient. I
write this entry as the son of my forefathers and the light of my mother and fathers eyes: lost, desolate, and confused.
Josue, I truly admire reading your experience as a first-generation college student. It is something I truly can't say I can understand, but can only imagine the transformation you have experienced. In distancing yourself in such a way from many of your friends and family, you have been made aware of a world much larger than you ever thought existed before, and I can tell that from your thoughtful writing. I wish you the best of luck as you complete your degree, and head into uncharted waters.
ReplyDeleteHi Josue,
ReplyDeleteYour writing is so beautiful -- I had tears in my eyes! What an accomplishment that you have set for your family to be so proud of you. My daughter who is now a doctor was our fist generation graduate in our whole entire family. And believe it or not, I'm in my late 40's that started back and will be graduating in December. I plan on starting my Masters and want to obtain my Doctorate degree. It's never too late! Please don't be confused because I have a feeling that everything is going to work out just fine for you. You seem like such a strong person that will really contribute and go after everything of your dreams! Best of luck to you.
Congratulations! As we all know, it's no small feat to graduate. We should all be this proud of ourselves! You have a bright future ahead of you. Go get it!
ReplyDelete